That Was A Big Mistake

I have always been open about my battles with depression. But, I haven’t always been open as to treatments I’ve tried, because I just don’t want to recommend any to others. Many people read my words, and with that, I recognize the responsibility I have, not to think one thing that helps me may help someone else. Recommending treatments can be life changing to someone. And so I won’t do that. Ever.

But, the last month, I will be open to the fact that I thought I was strong enough to stop my medication for depression under the advice of someone else. At first, I thought I was doing great. I thought, wow, here I am, having moved to another country and I’m doing it! I’m a new me! I am strong and I don’t need this stuff! I wish that was true. And it was only last weekend, when I just didn’t feel like I could even take one more breath, that I looked at my dog Fruitycake and decided to actually take one more breath.

I wish it would have been a person or even me I wanted to stay here for. But it wasn’t. I’ve realized in my life I have many faults and many failures. I don’t feel like I matter much to anyone else. But somehow, with my dogs, I do feel a responsibility to stay. I do feel like I matter. Thank you Brickle, and Digby and now Fruitycake for saving me. And healing me..little by little.

Those who have not battled with depression will tell you all the reasons you should not be depressed. They will tell you all the good things you have to life for. They may tell you to be stronger, to snap out of it. And it may make you mad when they say that. It does make me mad.

But even being mad is a good thing when you’re depressed, because you feel. And feelings can help you stay. If you feel like I do, and that maybe you can’t win this battle, I ask you to stay one more day with me. One more day for me means I’m closer to my goals here for a wildlife sanctuary. One more day means one more blog to encourage people to adopt an animal. One more day means being a bright spot in someone’s day. One more day can turn into many more days.

Will you stay with me?

I know now I’m sick. I battle a disease of depression that is unlike any other disease.  It’s not in your head. Take the medicine. Get the therapy. Adopt that dog. Let’s do this. I love you.