And That’s How I Feel

And That’s How I Feel

Ever since Brickle passed away on July 28th, I’ve had many feelings. Most of which are overwhelming and debilitating. But I am in Italy. I am at a house with no running water except a waterfall and no electricity. I am washing my clothes in a bucket. I’m screaming from being scared by wild boars in the middle of the long, skinny and steep trail that goes to our house. So dwelling on those feeling I have, my grief, is not possible. In order to function each day and take care of Fruitycake, I have to feel those feeling when I go to sleep each night. And the nightmares have been never ending. I knew I would miss the days of staying up with Brickle all night with his pacing. I do miss that.

Many people have told me to lessen the pain, I should adopt another dog quickly. And yet, I don’t want to right now. That’s how I feel. When my dog Digby died, and Brickle was all alone, I had an immediate urge to get another dog for our family. But why don’t I feel like that now? I have no idea, really. But that is how I feel.

Will I feel differently in a week? A month? Ever? I’m letting Fruitycake guide our decisions. I think and I hope I will know what he wants. Because to me, that is the most important thing.

We have so much to do right now. We have Italian class three times a week. And it doesn’t sound like much. But it takes 20 minutes to get from our house down the path. It takes another 15 minutes to take our trash to the right place. Then, it takes from 25 minutes to an hour to get to our rental car, depending on the parking space we find. Then, we drive another 20 minutes to Rapallo for our class, find a parking space there, and then walk to class. After the the two hour class, we take time to use the internet because we have none at our house yet. And then we get groceries, carry them up the path and well, you get the picture.

I think that getting another dog will happen. It’s just I don’t know when I will want to. I had the best dog in the world and the worst grief has come from it. Can I do it again? That seems more impossible than this house renovation.

-Rachael