Checking Myself

Checking Myself

I really felt disappointed with myself yesterday when I read the blog later. Yes. I wrote it. But I felt that it sounded like complaining. Because I was complaining.

It has been a dream of mine to get to Italy for a long time. A dream to have a house here and experience another culture the way that you can only do by living there. But we didn’t pick the easiest or the fastest route here. We didn’t pick an easy house just to move into. We picked out a house that spoke to our hearts in an area of Italy that is beyond beautiful. It IS a dream to live here. It hard the way we have done it. But we are here. And we either give up now, or we pull it together. I need to check myself. Do I really want this? Do I feel that this house is deserving of love too? Because really, if we had not purchased this home, it would be destroyed in a couple of years. It is literally decaying in front of our eyes.

Checking myself and being honest with myself is not easy for me. The truth is, this IS crazy hard. I’m not a patient person. I want this house livable now. It’s not. Some days we don’t even have a luke warm shower if it’s raining. Some days I get tired of going to use the restroom at a store or using our camping set up. It’s not ideal. Far from it. I’m embarrassed at the lack of willpower I have to even brush my teeth some days after my dog died. I feel like I’m carrying the weight of this concrete bucket we found.

But I know this. If we give up now, I’ll never forgive myself. I know we can do this renovation. But it’s going to take a long time. Years. But if we can at least get a temporary water system for better showers and more, I’ll feel better. Electricity and indoor water is a long way away. But I can deal with the basics. We just don’t have that yet. The truth is, we weren’t prepared to live IN the house so quickly. We were going to rent for a bit while fixing it. But I knew if we didn’t get Brickle to the house he worked so hard for quickly, we never would. And I would do anything for him them. And now. And I don’t regret that. So it’s time to check myself.

-Rachael

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