I Shouldn’t. I Couldn’t. I Did. Now What?

This last week has been super cold at our little abandoned house in Italy. The wind blew my clothes outside on the ground with a vengeance. That’s not a problem now. I’ve learned to laugh more than ever before. Fruitycake is definitely helping me with that.

But I’ve been dealing with an inner cleansing of sorts. I have had guilt my entire life. Guilt brought on by others or conformity. Guilt brought on by myself. My inner thoughts make me physically sick. And this week, I’ve really had to come to the understanding that it’s now or never. All my life I’ve been told I shouldn’t do that “something”…whatever it was. Or that I couldn’t. Because I was too sick. Or too young. Or too old. Too poor. Too anything. Too everything. This is the one time in my life I ignored those feelings I’ve always had and came here to Italy.

But i have to admit, today is one of those days I feel like I’ve let so many down with this journey. Including myself. If I keep on this mindset, I’ll never be better. I’ll never enjoy this. I don’t want to be rich. I want to be comfortable. For my family to be comfortable. To wake up and be able to make a difference without worrying if I can afford a bag of groceries. To wake up and be in the mindset that I can and I will and that I am enough and that I have enough. I’m not there yet. If I don’t operate more out of gratitude and push towards having enough and having enough to fix this place, it won’t happen. So what am I doing?

I’ve taken on more work. But more than that, I’m putting realistic goals and work into myself. I’ve never been one to advocate certain therapies or treatments. So I won’t do that. But books and prayer and talking openly to a few close friends is helping me this week.

I write this as I am in the midst of getting better. I’ve had enough of guilt and inner torment my whole life. If I don’t let it go, I can’t be my best. For anyone. And I have to get better for myself to do what I want to do. Rescue. Help. Be an asset to individuals and the earth. I know each one of us are on a journey. And I thank you for letting me talk about mine.

I know this house is worth our effort into making it better. And it is making us better too.

-Rachael