Imposter Syndrome

I didn’t sleep all night. But I also felt frozen. Not because of the weather. But fear that if I moved, I may feel something. Any emotion. I don’t want to feel. I also didn’t want to go outside in the rain to use the bathroom. So there’s that.

My heart just hurts today. I feel like I have no right to be here. I feel like an imposter, a fake. How do I have any right to be in a place as beautiful as this? I am not rich. By any stretch of the imagination. It’s actually a struggle to pay for groceries each day and also fix this house. Yet, there are beautiful people walking around in designer clothes. There are yachts and celebrities pretending like it’s totally normal to be here. And I shouldn’t be here.

People ask me where we live. And when I tell them where we bought our house, I can see their confusion about the way I’m dressed or the fact my Italian is terrible. Imposter syndrome. I’ve got it.

I don’t want to be rich. I never have. I have always just wanted not to worry so so bad. I used to look at my wonderful father working so hard to make ends meet. And I just wanted to win Publishers Clearinghouse sweepstakes. I would spend hours a week putting all those stamps on entry forms. Just hoping. Even though I don’t want to be rich, I have to take care of my family. And this house, although reasonable, was reasonable for a reason. And it’s going to take us years to fix. Another reason I don’t feel like I belong here. I know other people could hire help and have it fixed so much sooner.

But, today, I will just try and make it thru the day. I will do the best I can. I summoned up my courage and took Fruitycake on a walk to Portofino. And I got focaccia. I ordered in Italian. And they gave me a discount for being local.  Then, I bought some passata for pasta at a little grocery store. And they told me to bring Fruitycand in. And they were kind. And it felt good to tell them I lived here. I will take the little wins in my day today.

Missing Brickle has affected me in so many ways. Some days I don’t think I can live without him. Some days I don’t want to. But I see things, like my walk this morning, thru his eyes. He would have loved it. Loved it. And I shouldn’t take it for granted. He got us here for a reason. I have to stay around to reach his goal for us.

-Rachael

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