Muddy Thoughts

I’ve always wanted to be prettier. I’ve always wanted to be smarter. I’ve always wanted to be more athletic. I’ve always wanted to not be so…me.

I’ve dealt with depression…that Depression Monster, my entire life. From making myself physically sick from being nervous to ride a school bus to throwing up from going on TV to cook for dogs, I’ve always felt less than. Actually, I’ve always felt like nothing.

Animals seemed to always make me happy. I didn’t always appreciate them like I do now. But I always wanted to be with them. To care for them. To listen to them and to love them. I thought about being a vet, but going to any type of college wasn’t something we could afford, or that importance was placed on. But I guess now, being involved in animal rescue, I still get to take care of them in a way. And honestly, animals have saved my life. Especially my dog Brickle.

But when he passed two months ago, my world collapsed. Even here. In Italy. Some days, I don’t think I can or want to go on without him. He watched me day and night. He made sure I was ok. He protected me. And I have no doubt he knew the importance of getting to this house in Italy. I have no doubt he knew I needed this house. He knew this house was the only thing that could save me from my muddy thoughts.

Even now, as I sit here on one of the only two chairs we have, I am wrestling with the day ahead. Am I strong enough to get food for us today at a market? Will I be able to communicate?

I’m also wrestling with my insecurities of the way I look. Yet again. And it’s so strange to me how I felt a few days when I wore a new shirt. A shirt I’ve been saving because we don’t have many clothes, and I don’t like to “waste them”. I wore it and I felt more insecure than wearing my muddy old shirts and shoes. I felt like I stood out. That I didn’t deserve to wear it. And I recognized the feelings were ridiculous but that was my dialogue. And I’m now trying to figure out these muddy thoughts.

I’m working thru more than just a house restoration now. I’m working on a lot more. And I’ll share it with you. You can read it or not. You can just read our house experiences too. But my muddy thoughts need to come out. Maybe yours do too.

-Rachael