Nothing And Everything

I have never been so happy and settled and so miserable and unsettled at the same time. But, as much as I’ve traveled over the years, this is the first time in my life that I have moved to another country. And let me just say, if I would have done this at a younger age, I would have already gave up by now.

In fact, nothing and yet everything is telling me that I should keep trying.  Nothing and everything is telling me that I should stay.  Nothing and everything is all happening at the same time and somehow makes sense when nothing else does.

The paperwork to stay is still in the process after months.  The house is still in not so good shape. 

We are still getting water and electric ourselves.  We still haven’t made as much progress as we would have liked. I’ve had people ask me if the house is finished yet.  I’ve had people ask me “how’s it going?” And I just say slow. And you know what? I don’t feel bad about it. The old me would have been trying to impress others by what we had accomplished instead of showing what we haven’t got done.  But whose standards am I living up to here? Only mine. Because I’m the only one who has ever had this particular experience. And your experience is your own too. Why can’t we all see that?

Sometimes, I picture myself at 5 years old. 

I picture the me now,  taking her hand and telling  her that I will make it better. I tell her I won’t let her down.  I tell her that her dream of moving to Italy and being with animals and helping animals and being a writer will come true. And I aim to make it better for her here. That may mean nothing to most. But it means everything to me.

Life isn’t easy for most.  But life can be wonderful if we make it thru those not so easy times minute by minute. One bucket of laundry at a time.

Nothing and everything is just how I pictured. But that picture will get better. I promised her.

-Rachael