The Line Between Progress and Failure

You may have noticed that I haven’t written a blog lately on our house project in Italy. Writer’s block? No. But the block has been, for me, not about what to write. But in telling the truth. And my inner truth tells me we are going at a snail’s pace in getting anything done. And I’ve felt ashamed about it.

During the last few weeks, the rain here poured down unlike any rain I’ve ever seen. In my life. I grew up in Florida. And I’m used to storms and hurricanes and rain. But this rain was relentless. The waterfall behind our house turned into two waterfalls. And we had another waterfall of sorts inside the house, coming under the rock wall. That pushed some projects back.

Our depression also pushed some projects back…yes, that’s both of our inner monsters. And grief over Brickle, every single day, has been a battle and a weight I try to push away. Some days I’m more successful than others.

But all in all, I will say, that this house is just what we needed. And teaches us lessons every day.  Today, we both felt guilt about the day. I internalized appearances. How our project was looking to others on social media and to family members. How I looked with no makeup on for months and when was the last time I painted my nails? No clue. Not that there is anything wrong with not doing that. But for me, it’s not me. Buying makeup and nail polish is certainly a last priority.

Nate felt guilty he had not got more done. Working on the heating was his goal. But to get to his goal, he had to build scaffolding to even be able to do it. When you are using spare wood and old refrigerator doors, well, it takes awhile to even start your project. And then? One of the buildings decided to fall down too.

Progress or failure? It’s a fine line for us today. And we had a talk. One thing at a time. Tomorrow is another day. You know…all that jazz. But let’s see if we can believe it.

-Rachael